Recently in my life the idea of having children and a family has been heavily on my mind after insinuations from those close to me were made. The pros of starting a family have been readily made and despite the fact that they make perfect sense for some reason my inner instinct is to keep this large life decision on hold. If I were to have children right now they would grow up near family, and have many cousins just barely older than them. I grew up not having any relatives other than my immediate family around. I don’t know how that feels to grow up around aunts, uncles, and cousins and I’ve always wanted my future family to be close because I never had that. The point was made that my folks are getting very old and not getting any younger and if I wanted my children to have any memories with their grandparents I would have to hop on that train. All good points which make me on board with the idea. This however obviously is a large deal, but I was blinded by the dreaming of it all.
Many times when there is a decision on your mind, you find meanings in things that might otherwise be entirely unrelated. Or even perhaps something that perfectly connects to the inner turmoil in which you are battling. I logged onto Netflix and scrolled through what it had to offer until I stumbled upon the show “How I Met Your Mother.’ I was reminded that the show existed and pressed play. The show took me to the next episode from where I had last left off when I watched the show almost a year ago. In this episode a main character “Robin’ thought she was pregnant. Previous to this realization of her thinking she was pregnant, she had never wanted children and when she found out she might be, her view was even stronger. Having a baby would ruin her perspective career, her life would never be the same, her freedom wouldn’t be her own. Later on in the show Robin finds out not only that she isn’t pregnant but that she is unable to have children. In turn you would think that this rejoices Robin however on learning about her condition, she gets baby fever when she pictures how her life would be children, and how amazing it could be.
This back and forth struggle with Robin shook me up. It woke me up from picturing all the dreaming of what my life would be with children and allowed me to see the reality of it. My life would change drastically, as wonderful as having children is, your life is no longer just your own. The nightmare Robin initially pictured was now clear to me. All the pauses I would have to make in order to sacrifice so that my potential child could grow up with the opportunities I would want my child to grow up with. Seeing my inner struggle expressed through someone else was unexpectedly welcomed, helping me to see the reality of it all.